I Believe
by thespian4795
Summary: For once, she truly does believe, but he’s not there. (Song Fic)
1. Every Now And Then

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I Believe

By Kelly Marie McKenna

Spoilers: S 1-8, S9 Anything before William, afterwards AU. (I never did get over giving him up, but one of these days I might write a reunion fic, what can I say I'm a diehard shipper, a hopeless romantic til the end!)

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For once, she truly does believe, but he's not there. (Song Fic)

Disclaimer: They're not mine. Oy, I should be so lucky! The lyrics are from Diamond Rio's _I Believe_.

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Every now and then, 

Soft as breath upon my skin,

I feel you come back again,

And it's like you haven't been,

Gone a moment from my side

Like the tears were never cried

Like the hands of time are holding you and me

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A vision in white, wrapped in a cream colored duvet. Her rosebud mouth quivers, her chest rises and falls faithfully. Crimson locks spill upon the pillow. The gold cross sits patiently beneath her collar bone. The slight drone of white noise wafts through the air, originating a small blue baby monitor, sitting behind the alarm clock on her night stand. A soft warm breeze flies above her bare arms. Stirring, she rolls to her side, still deep in sleep. The other side of the mattress sinks, a warmth bleeds beneath the smooth cotton sheets. For an all too brief moment, she sits up, just knowing she'll find him there. Cocky grin, overgrown chestnut hair, and that signature pout. Wiping sleep from her eyes, she glances beside her. His form is blurred, hazy and undefined from groggy focus. She wants so badly to hold him. Her lips ache to kiss him. She burns to wrap herself up in his

strong embrace and never leave. Only, she can't, he's not really there. It's a bittersweet dream. She fancies that he's waiting patiently for her to lie down and succumb once again to sleep before the baby wakes her up. The night is so empty, the space between them infinite. She can only say goodbye so many times, before she begins to feel like it's final, so she's stopped. Their last encounter had been far too brief, always so much, but never enough. She knows he can't come back - it's impossible but she dreams, by night, all day. Dreams, however, can not hold, they are not him. He's not here.


	2. All The Proof I Need

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And with all my heart I'm sure,

We're closer than we ever were

I don't have to hear or see, 

I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching over me

I believe

Oh, I believe

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She's too awake to even think about going back to sleep. She's become so restless in his absence. Wandering around her bed in socked feet, thinking, fidgeting, she hears a soft whimper from the next room. Padding quietly into the nursery she sees her little boy. He's pulling himself up, holding on to the sidewall of his crib. An auburn hued downy fuzz covers his head, he smiles that unmistakable grin and stares at her with his father's hazel eyes. If the hair was a shade or two darker and if you replaced the nose he'd received from his mother, that little boy who was beginning to talk and desperately trying to walk could very well be a Mulder clone. Times like this he was the only thing that kept her sane. A living memory of a man who owned her soul. Pulling the knot even tighter around her waist she closed her robe and swept into the room to comfort the boy. It seemed he was always awake when she needed to be reminded. He smiled briefly, however she was not his focus. William's eyes raced around the room, in a desperate search. He always seemed to be looking for something, never quite finding it. She ran her fingers over his downy head and kissed his eyes shut. She bade him softly to sleep again. His gaze fell upon her and lingered. It was so easy to get lost in those round hazel orbs, to merely pretend they were those of another, a long lost lover. William seemed equally entranced by his mother's eyes, the colors of a storming sea, they were the gateway to an often troubled, restless soul. He rested his head on her shoulder and played wistfully with a lock of her hair. He shifted his weight upward and held on to his mother's neck. 

"Dadda, go," he softly questioned. 

She could barely muster her voice to reply. "Yes, daddies gone, he misses us both terribly, and we miss him too, don't we William?" It was all she could do to contain her emotion.

William missed his sporadic father. "Dadda back," he asked.

"No sweetie, daddy can't come back now." She didn't really want him to understand, it was something no one should ever have to comprehend, let alone a small child. 

"Love momma," was his final statement as he slipped effortlessly into sleep.

"I love you too William. I love you so much, and Daddy loves William too." She let the tear flow freely, and placed the boy in his crib. Covering him with a blanket she began to softly sing, "Jeremiah was a bullfrog, was a good friend of mine."

Author's notes: Sorry about the lack of length but there are four more chapters and the next one will be quite substantial. -KMM


	3. Life Goes On

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Now when you die your life goes on

It doesn't end here when you're gone

Every soul is filled with light,

It never ends and if I'm right,

Our love can even reach across eternity

I believe

Oh, I believe

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Life goes on. It had been going on for the past three months. The earth was still spinning, the sun rose and set, the tides came and went. Mother nature apparently didn't rest in the wake of grief, no matter how great. William's first birthday had just passed, his first teetering steps were now photographs, his first words were etched indelibly in her memory. The milestones were fading fast, his personality was blossoming and half the time Scully could barely bring herself to acknowledge it. The passage of time was an assault that she could not bear. The wounds just never healed, the pain was far too real - it was something that time could never erase. Mulder was gone, he was never coming back. Death was not an ailment he could fight off twice. Her mother urged her to find comfort in the church, but how could she take solace in a faith that had separated her from Mulder for far too many years. Her faith had blinded her to the truth, a truth that gave her a son and stole her soul mate. 

*Three Months Earlier*

Scully collapsed into her chair, spinning back around to face her desk she noticed her phone blinking. She leaned in and dialed an open line followed by a four digit code, holding the receiver to her ear, she sat poised to record any pertinent information on the small notepad in front of her. Her mother had called to say that William's ear infection seemed to be getting better, but he was out of Amoxicillin. Hollis Rabin, a bright young recruit originally from Belgium, left her a message regarding the upcoming quiz in her forensic detection class. The last message puzzled her. Skinner had simply said she needed to contact him as soon as possible, but it had to be in person. His tone left no clue as to the nature of his request. She had planned on ordering lunch from a nearby deli. Instead she grabbed her keys and head out to her car. As she parked and entered the Hoover Building she could hardly contain her curiosity. What could possibly be so urgent that he couldn't tell her over the phone? She didn't dare hope that it was news of Mulder. He had spent three glorious days with William, Maggie and her two weeks ago at her mother's house. He couldn't possibly be able to return again. It would raise two many red flags. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but they rose on their own. 

Scully was greeted by a smile and a wave from Kimberly. She gently rapped on Skinner's door. His somber expression did wonders at removing her ill placed hope. She refused, however, to take his grave countenance to heart. Stepping in and past her superior she briskly walked towards his desk.

"Dana, sit down please," was his only request.

"No, thank you Sir, I'd rather stand if that's all right with you," came her curt reply.

"Frankly, I wish you would lose the Sir when were in private. I've know you too long, seen you through more personal trails than I care to mention. Please, call me Walter."

"Fine," she muttered. "What exactly did you need to tell me. Your message was more than vague."

"This is the kind of news that just isn't appropriate to disclose over the telephone, Dana. It is the also the type of news that I never wanted to give you," he said delicately.

"What are you getting at Si... Walter," she asked frantically. 

"I'm so sorry Dana, there was nothing they could do, by the time we found him..." he began to tear up and could barely choke out the words.

Scully's entire world collapsed under the weight of sixteen words. Skinner didn't need to finish, she already knew what was in store. Mulder was gone, how or why, it mattered little, with out him, she didn't know how to function. He had been gone so long, but she had clung to the knowledge that he was out there, somewhere, fighting, searching, longing to return when the time was right, once the truth was revealed, the conspiracy exposed and unraveled. Now it was over. She had not taken a breath since Skinner muttered those awful words. In an instant she drew a sharp breath and dissolved into heaping sobs. Her legs buckled beneath her and she felt him holding her weight at once. They sat intertwined and weeping for what seemed like hours. 

"How," she whispered, searching for her voice. "What happened?"

"Oh, Dana, I'm not sure if now is the right time, maybe in the morning after you've slept and had sometime to absorb..."

"God damn it, I have every right to know!"

"For Christ's sake," he pleaded, "I would never keep it from you, it's just that the timing..."

"Please," she cried, "I have to know, if I'm going to accept this I need the evidence, the cold hard facts. I would be his Scully if I didn't demand every last bit of credible, tangible information."

"He was so close, the syndicate had been completely wiped out, with the help of dozens of loyal renegades, he had destroyed so many bounty hunters and replacements with the metal we sent him. He was on his way to stake out a few of the remaining leads. He was, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. God, it kills me, it was a stray bullet from a drive by that went bad in. It nicked a few arteries and pierced his left lung. They tried like hell, four hours of surgery, but his blood pressure dropped to fast, he started to bleed out. His heart stopped and they could not resuscitate him. He didn't have any I.D. on his persons, but he'd gotten one of those medical alert bracelets before he left, it listed my phone number as an emergency contact, along with a quarantine order listed with the virus symptoms, just in case his immunity wasn't all encompassing. I got the phone call this morning, he was pronounced dead at 4:37 am this morning. He was shot in the North Shore neighborhood of Pittsburgh. He's at Allegheny General Hospital, waiting for transport to county morgue for an autopsy."

"No," was all she could manage. 

"What, what is it?"

"I don't want him autopsied, the damage from the gunshot killed him, it don't want them to do that to him. Just bring him home. I'm so tired. All of the running, lying, looking my shoulder, it was only worth it when he had a chance to come home. I'm done, with everything, the FBI, fuck the truth, I just want you to bring my husband home."


End file.
